


副業 [Sideline]

by xBubble_Teax



Category: Dir en grey, Sadie (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depressing, Drama, Explicit Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Rape Recovery, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-11-01 20:02:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10929042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xBubble_Teax/pseuds/xBubble_Teax
Summary: "Kyo comforts Mao after his lover struggles to deal with his recurring nightmares..."





	副業 [Sideline]

*

I felt the cold, abstract vacancy of a winter night ghost over the bare skin of my arms; though there wasn’t a single window open in the room.

My chest weighed heavy on me; much like lead on a string tight around my neck, pulling me deeper towards the depths of hell where I belong. If only it would accept me… though already I felt it had made me its own.

I had left the light off purposely; having no care to let artificial light greet my eyes and remind myself of the reality that faced me day in day out. Given the choice, I would remain in the comfort of dreams, stray away from my nightmares and get high on sleep apnoea.  

Given the choice.

I stare at the dark city skyline behind the pane of glass dully, letting my eyes fall weak to its splendour.

I’d almost forgotten what had awoken me in the first place… until I recalled the screaming in my head, the face driving hard into my neck, the searing agony that had torn my insides apart.

The metal against my skin…

I had relived it as though it had been a tangible replay of my internal memory. Everything I could see, everything I could touch; I had felt it. Felt it as though it were faced upon me even now; susceptible to my somewhat dying sub-consciousness.

But that’s the thing about dreams… until deemed innocent they prey on the wavering emotions of your conscience. When you can no longer tell right from wrong; honest from pretence…

Dream from reality.

I feel my heart quicken its pace deep in the bounds of my shattered, yet steadily healing, ribcage. The blood burns through my veins like acid, and my eyes are surrendered to drowning as I watch the city nightlife erupt into the not so soothing colours of car headlights and nightclub neon.

_Don’t wake up._

I don’t feel the unkempt harshness of my fingernails digging deep into the flat of my wrist until an unusual deep red catches my sight in this otherwise distilling blackness.

_Please… don’t let me wake up._

My skin was already stained. Out _there._ Among the lights and colours, among crowds of strangers that make no sense to me; where security and safeness surround us.

But they had found me; taken me… stripped me of everything I had.

_Tainted me._

Touched me.

_Someone help me._

‘Don’t cry…’ I think, as my shoulders heave and my wrist throbs angrily at the fresh wounds, ‘You have no reason to cry… you deserved it.’

I could still remember his face… the way he had touched me… _grabbed_ me… the slap of rain ringing my ears and ambiguous mist that had clouded my eyes…

I remember it all. Still. To this day, I remember what clothes I wore, the scent of aftershave on my neck…

The pain that had ripped my insides apart… the screams that had torn my lungs to shreds of demoralisation.

_I don’t want to play life’s game anymore._

His touch… all over me; violating me.

R_____ me.

_Don’t let me say it… that word. I can’t do this…_

_I can’t say it._

A pair of tepid hands rest on my shoulders and I jump, all too near to a scream, breath catching in my throat… smelling the rain, inhaling the fog all over again,

“Shhhh…” I hear him whisper, “It’s only me.”

He feels me shaking; probably taking pity on me for it. I can’t stand the way he looks at me, so my eyes quickly return to the blurring glass pane of the window… and the ignorant world that adorns behind it,

“I’m here.” He whispers; and I unintentionally flinch as his lips lean closer to my neck.

The kiss, he understands, has been denied; though he pulls me closer. A pair of arms he knows I can’t deny the comfort they bring me, nor the man that owns them.

A sigh feathers through his lips and the lump in my throat grows as I stare vacantly into the midnight sky,

“You should come back to bed…” Kyo mumbles against my hair, resting his forehead there; as though laying gaze upon a single piece of my flesh would drive him to try again to gain another piece of affection from me,

“Had a nightmare.” I whisper back, my voice dejected and alone as I wrap my arms around myself, my fingers grazing his own and the artwork that lies permanent upon his skin,

“Let me help.”

_Don’t cry…_

“Mao…”

_Don’t cry… What are you crying for? Stop it…_

The inviting radiance of his neck is too great an offer for me to refuse; and my stomach squeezes when I find it, winding the unsteady wavering of my arms and bloodied wrist around his bare torso.

A kiss blesses the raw strands of my hair, and I fight to hold control. As the strings of my capability for inner restraint undo one after the other, and I’m breaking down in his arms.

Again.

_Stop fucking crying… You make me sick!!_

I must have tried to break away… to _struggle_ out of the inviting hold that bound me as Kyo murmurs something soothing against the lobe of my ear,

“Stop it and let me hold you.”

_Stop it…._

He truly unravelled me then.

*

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I thought it was about time I cross-posted my fics from where they've been sitting on my LiveJournal. I hope you enjoy <3
> 
> I hadn't written anything this sad or dark in a long while.


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